he left good footprints

DSCF1030People have asked me to write some thoughts, and share some of what I am experiencing … in the hope that maybe this helps either now or in the future
… because in my experience … this is a pretty normal reaction
So I have shared some of what I am feeling in the first part of this overdue post …. and then shared something of my words from the funeral …..

On the 11th August my world changed.
I did not realise how much until a couple of days ago.

On that day I received a call to tell me that my younger brother, Steve, died in accident.
I crumbled,
tears flowed
I became vacant
more tears flowed
with a massive feeling of emptiness.
The shock was virtually instant,
more tears flowed
accompanied with a sense of numbness,
of disbelief,
of feeling this was not really happening.
No matter where I was,
or who I was with,
no matter how important they were to me …
I was not there
I was somewhere else
Rob had left the building
A place that I don’t even know where it is!
I’m not sure I wish to find it again
Just I was not here.
lost.
empty

Steve and I had become very close over the last few years
We had laughed a lot, and cried a lot together as well
I miss him so much
I did not realise how much I loved him
And how much this was going to hurt

The feelings of grief have not really hit until the last few days
This is because I had to sort things like banks, credit cards etc
As well as plan the funeral with Tanya and Mum …
I was determined to take the funeral and speak myself
I knew it would be hard
I knew it would tear me in two … and it has …. but I am rebuilding … and it’s why it has taken me 5 days to be able to share anything
But I also knew I needed to do this because I knew what sort of funeral he would have wanted, and I could say things that other vicars would not be able to say ..

In my intro I declared:
‘Steve … Son to my mum Jackie; very incredibly proud dad to Peter, Loving caring ‘the rock’ partner to Tanya, friend to many of you here today … and my little brother…. I think we can all agree …. he was amazing … but ever so slightly Steve was a bit of a wanker!’
People laughed and cried in equal measure …. because he was …. and that was why we loved him so flipping much!

During the service  I read John 14:1-4 … the bit where Jesus says that he prepares a place for us. I added in my talk that I don’t think Jesus gives a toss what we believe … he prepares that place regardless …. I said that because I believe that is the reality of a God of love, and a reality for all of us.

It’s impossible to talk about Steve without remembering his quick witted humour … so I shared a joke of his … ‘A favourite being in the Oak Quiz night. It’s my favourite because basically my sense of humour froze at the 14 year old boy level. So did Steve’s! The quiz question was … ‘Which country does the airline Cathay Pacific now fly for?’ Milliseconds after the answer came of of ‘For China’ … Steve shouted ‘For China?’ over and over again!’ …. if you don’t actually get that … then just say it a few times  aloud to yourself!

Most of all I love words that a new and great friend, Rhos, shared …. ‘Wherever Steve went he left good footprints’

I love that thought, agree with it with all my heart …. and so wish my brother was still making those footprints in this world.

RIP Steve … you silly bugger …. love and miss you loads!

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a special love …

20429624_10154784638772543_5760356242749648249_nYesterday was a special day.
I day when I saw these two beautiful people commit their lives to each other.
It was a very special moment and I don’t think I have been to a wedding ever before where there were tears, good tears, from every speech.
I think looking around the tables many others had tears of joy as well.
As ‘Uncle Rob’ I feel an incredible sense of pride to have been able to see how my eldest neice has grown in to the amazing woman that she is.
I have no right, have done nothing to deserve that feeling, but feel it just the same.

I do not really know Esgrid but his devotion to his new wife, and his sense of loyalty and love to his new family was very obvious. It was, again, something quite special to see and experience.

It’s clear these two have something special.
Something very special that is to be cherished and nurtured.
Rachel and Esgrid …. I pray that God continues to bless you both, to reassure you both, and that you will always be conscious of God walking and encouraging and loving and accepting you both.

We were asked to write blessings or comments and place them in that lovely red letterbox. I had something but failed to bring it with me … so I include this blessing here from John O’Donohue’s Book of Blessings

As spring unfolds the dream of the earth,
May you bring each other’s hearts to birth.

As the ocean finds calm in view of land,
May you love the gaze of each other’s mind.

As the wind arises free and wild,
May nothing negative control your lives.

As kindly as moonlight might search the dark,
So gentle may you be when light grows scarce.

As surprised as the silence that music opens,
May your words for each other be touched with reverence.

As warmly as the air draws in the light,
May you welcome each other’s every gift.

As elegant as dream absorbing the night,
May sleep find you clear of anger and hurt.

As twilight harvests all the day’s colour,
May love bring you home to each other.

Bless you both
Uncle R

21 today!

10386403_296230793907636_2700313622699283309_nDSC_0135DSC_0429

This amazing beautiful young woman is 21 today!
The time has flown.
I remember that very first day … how could I forget …
We decided to have a  day out at Howletts Zoo.
Beth decided that she wanted to appear that day … a week or so early.
We rushed back down the M2… the midwife came to the house … and Beth was born 3 minutes later.
It was all pretty sudden ….
A short while later and the midwife had placed this amazingly beautiful little girl into my arms
And I fell in love…. and would do anything for her from that moment on …. and that has never changed or waned .. no matter what … that love remains as strong as ever

I have loved watching this girl seek her independence and path
I have been amazed at her growth in confidence
I have cried secretly with joy as she has trusted me with stuff of life
I have watched this amazing person develop from a timid and pretty little girl that was worried about school and others
in to
a beautiful young woman who is scared of nothing and is well on the way to becoming an amazing teacher!
I look forward to seeing what your future holds …

Beth … I always have been, am, and always will be incredibly proud of you
Continue to be you …. I have no doubt that will be the case
Grab your dreams …. and don’t let go
You need no ones permission … you are Beth!
Love you loads and hope you enjoy this special day …. oh yeah … and

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

 

Clothes collection

refugee-collectionOn Sunday, from 4pm until 6pm we, the local church (HTGP) are hosting a pop up drop off point to collect clothes for refugees. For a while we have wanted to do something real that will make a difference and help people who have been forced to leave their home.

We are collecting with and for a local charity called  GRACE … and of you are in the area of the Greenwich Peninsula please do come and see us with your clothes gift in the Millennium Village Oval Square.

The two pictures below show what we are collecting …

grace-women

 

grace-men

 

we hope to meet you tomorrow …

18 years …. wow!

14317613_533551443508902_6302934151694198433_nToday is another one of those days when you truly question ‘where on earth has that time gone?’ For today, this very day,  Joseph, my youngest child, turns that massive milestone of being 18 years old.bad-hair-day

The strange thing is, and this has been identical with all my children, I can remember the birth as if it were yesterday. It sounds a cliche, but it is true. It was a bright sunny Sunday morning … (all our children were helpfully born at the weekend, all before the times of paternity rights and so, at most, I was given 2 days off).fishing-7joe-worship

On this particular Sunday I remember the sun shining through the windows of the bedroom, the smell of coffee, the midwife appearing, and her placing Joe in my arms as she took Sarah off for a bath. I remember I had this little conversation where I simply let Joe know how pleased I was to meet him. I have been pleased to see him every day since that time. He just always brings a smile to my face.

It has been amazing to watch my son grow up in to the dsc_0335amazing, funny, witty, intelligent (and sometimes frustrating) handsome man that he is today. I admire his courage and his desire to live life in such a way that he will not look back and have regrets.

Joe … you have made me incredibly proud over and over again, and I kind of know that will just continue … love you loads … celebrate well! (apologies for the pics … no doubt you’ll get me later today for that!)

Happy Birthday Beth!

bethsofaToday my little girl is 18.
I can remember her birth, in our first house in Gillingham, as if it were yesterday.
I can remember this perfectly formed little person being placed in my arms, only a few minutes old, and instantly falling in love with her.
Nothing has changed.
She is still perfect and still loved.

bad hair dayAs a parent it has been amazing to see this little girl grow up in to the amazing person that she is today. Although I like to think she is still my little girl … it is clear that she is a beautiful young woman, with her own mind and her own dreams, which I believe she will achieve. Her creativity showed at an early age in this ‘hair’ picture one afternoon when left to her own devices … styling not just herself, but persuading both her brothers to allow her to sort them too!

I should say that being parents to Beth has been easy! It’s been a joy!
Well …. most of the time it has … in addition, as any parent will truthfully say,  there have been challenges on the way. Through those challenges, though, I think our love for each other has grown as we have learnt about life together. Hopefully we have taught Beth things for life … I know certainly she has taught us invaluable stuff.

DSC_0209It has been amazing to see this little girl grow into the person she is today. She has grown from a shy timid unsure little girl into this great confident young lady who, we believe, can achieve anything she wishes. She sings beautifully, can design anything on the computer you ask of her, is a gifted children’s worker and … has this uncontrollable gift of talking or laughing … a lot!

I really have been in awe of the things she has achieved and the targets she has set herself.

So today this beautiful young woman is 18.
I am an incredibly proud dad.DSC_0135
Sarah is an incredibly proud mum.
I know many family and friends are incredibly proud family and friends.

So … the day is here!
Beth …. you are amazing … and we love you!

 

a new kind of vulnerability?

vulnerable spider(Disclaimer … I’m not sure this makes sense and I’m kind of thinking aloud!)

It’s not been a great weekend. The last few days have got me thinking  a whole new take on vulnerability.The vulnerability of feeling useless and powerless to do anything while seeing something horrible occur.

Earlier this week our dog was attacked by another dog. It was horrendous for my daughter who was walking him with a friend. We had to rush our dog to the vets, he stayed overnight and is back with us but with 30 stitches in his neck and ear and 4 drains coming out of wounds, with a few more visits at the vets lined up.

As we gaze at the injuries, our feelings of uselessness to help or relieve the pain seem to be linked in some way with a sense of vulnerability in ourselves. The fact that I can do nothing itself leaves me feeling very vulnerable for some reason …. and I do not know why!

So … in my reflection I am mulling over the wonder of whether there are different kinds of vulnerability. Or … are there a variety of triggers ‘out there’ that cause us to feel vulnerable to what is around us? It’s an interesting question because, with my logical thinking head on, there is no reason for my feelings of vulnerability! I could understand feeling sickened, or angry or wanting revenge …. but feeling vulnerable is quite uncomfortably odd.

I am wondering if the feelings of vulnerability come from a mind that likes to ask what if …. what if he had attacked the girls walking the dog, what if he had attacked me, what of we had left 10 minutes later, what if they had opened their front door 2 minutes later ….  I guess ‘what if’s’ remind us of a certain fragility of our life journey. We like to live and believe, subconsciously we will be around forever. But maybe a sudden shock reminder of our fragility fuels the feelings of vulnerability. It’s easy to feel safe when you believe you are in control. When something unexpected and horrible happens that we can’t control, it is then when the feelings of vulnerability flood our emotions and sense of thinking.

(you did not expect this post to make ANY sense did you? … I did warn you!)

Maybe, of course, my mind is mistaking great sadness, and emotion, and anger with the feelings of vulnerability? I could see that making some sense, although on reflection I’m pretty sure that is not the case. Vulnerable is what I feel and I don’t know why.

To top all of this, I think being vulnerable is important to our personal growth … but maybe there is an unhelpful sense of vulnerability as well, maybe some types of vulnerability are not helpful …. more reflection needed … so I’m glad I’m giving myself the whole year for this!

Any insights, please comment!